That was my reaction.
You see, last time, it took us years. I charted. I used ovulation sticks. I lay on my back with my legs in the air. I stared at pregnancy tests, squinting and holding them under the light. I hoped and prayed and was disappointed over and over and over again. Before finally conceiving on fertility drugs.
So, you can maybe forgive my stupidity for being a bit lapsy daisy with my contraception and being unconcerned that anything would happen, but it has happened.
Of course, I'm going ahead with this. It's my own stupid fault, and besides, what if this is some fluke of fertility? Something that would never ever happen again? No. This is happening. I'm going through with it.
.....And I'm scared.
This pregnancy is high risk. I'm a type 1 diabetic, so from now on my blood sugars need to be PERFECT. This means weighing and measuring everything I eat. It means pricking my finger 15 times a day (and during each night too). It means battling against my hormones which will make me resistant to the insulin I inject. If I get this wrong, I'm more likely to miscarry, more likely that the baby may have birth defects, and more likely to have a still birth. Yeah, it's pretty terrifying.
My husband reminded me that I've beaten this once. I reminded him that yes, I did beat this once. But I beat it in a 'Rocky' type way (ie. I may have won, but I was seriously bloodied and broken by it). The last time I was pregnant, it was hell. Not just the stress of getting my blood sugars right, but I developed choleostasis (where you itch like crazy, oh yeah, and it also increases the stillborn risk even higher). I also ended up with pre-eclampsia, and the birth?! Oh my God the birth was something else. Ever heard of shoulder dystocia? The boy got stuck, really stuck, and we ended up being wrenched apart by a team of panicking doctors (all while I was hypoglycemic because the nurse controlling my blood sugars via a drip was a useless dick).
Oh yeah and then The boy got meningitis when he was 3 days old.
So that's why I'm scared.
I've upped my background insulin from 50 units to 60 units. It seems to have worked... so far anyway. Just had a hypo and am now sitting here after eating a measly 12 grams of carbohydrate (for fear of rebounding too high) waiting for my heart to stop pounding.
So I guess I'll have to change the title of the blog, as it is soon to be a diabetic pregnancy diary. I won't be talking about any other topics because I won't be able to focus on anything else but eating perfectly, testing, injecting, attending hundreds of appointments and trying to stay sane.
There is an uninvited little poppy seed growing in my uterus...
... and I think I love it already.